I am a 45-year-old woman who has suffered depression on and off since adolescence, when my father died after a long illness. I turned a corner about 10 years ago. A close friend died of cancer, and her death really did teach me to be grateful just to be here, to be alive, and it made me look at all the blessings in my life.

But then the depression came on full force when my dear mother had cancer in 1999. The good news is, she's alive and well at 83! But that spring after her operation, I started having strange physical symptoms. I ended up going to a neurologist with them, even, because my head felt like it was burning in spots. I also found it impossible just to walk around the block all of a sudden, and I've always been moderately active. I was exhausted, and sometimes I'd get dizzy, and that scared me, especially if I was driving and my kids were with me. Finally, I had a full-blown anxiety attack. I really thought I was going to die! I couldn't breathe!

The neurologist, one of the best in our city, ruled out anything physical. What I had was "just" anxiety and depression. I started seeing a good counselor and taking an antidepressant, Celexa. I also took Xanax for awhile -- just half a pill once a day, but it helped when I got that spooky fear that I might hurt myself. Thank God I never did, but that fear was something else. I also thank God that my husband was there for me during this time -- literally there when I got that feeling, which eventually went away.

The counselor felt that my mother's having cancer had brought out a fear that I would lose Mom, too, that it kind of took me back to adolescence for awhile, when I lost my father and it was so painful. I think she (the counselor) was right.

When I was scared and going through this depression, I was blessed to find out that others had been through it, too. It was as if others lifted their masks and let me see their pain and struggles. One woman whose son had been killed in an accident several years ago (thus, her depression and anxiety) said about panic attacks, "It's just a panic attack! It's not real!" When she told me that, it meant something, because she had had them, too, and she knew they felt very real.

My counselor recommended a book that helped. It's called the Anxiety Workbook, and the author is a Dr. Bourne. It is a workbook, with lots of questions for us to answer, but it has a very comforting and nurturing tone to it. I used that book a little, and I kept a journal.

Opening up to friends really helped. One morning I couldn't get out of bed and a good friend called to see how I was. She's so funny. She said, "Do you want me to come over and crawl in bed with you and cry?" She didn't, but it sure was a sweet offer!

Like I said, that major depression was when I realized that we all wear masks, even though we all long to toss them off and admit our fears and frailties.

My faith helped me then because I could not believe that the God I know did not want me to live and find joy again. As I worked through the depression I could see there must have been a reason I had to experience it, although it was awful.

At 45, I am a different and stronger person -- most of the time, anyway. I went back on Celexa for a brief while when my teenager was going through an eating disorder; I just couldn't fight the fear and anxiety on my own. Like others on this blog, I am an overachiever and expect way too much of myself, which doesn't help at all.

I am not on an antidepressant now, but I am going through a rough time emotionally and have been since before Christmas. I am trying to remember the lessons I learned in 1999, and I am trying to stay in touch with God through prayer and reading and remembering not to isolate myself from people who do care about me. I think it is "just" a mid-life crisis of sortsl; maybe I'm sad because I'll soon be sending my oldest off to college! I am trying to "keep the faith" that there will be a lasting faith and joy and my future. I have not been failed yet.

God bless you all, and thanks for listening.

--Susan