Sharing and Reaching Out

hi, i'm a 19 yr old girl who is constantly in depression since i was a child ,my parents and me never had a close relationship,dad was always bullying us by controlling our lives, by us i mean my mom ,my brother and me,my brother is an angel compared to me ,he is 4 yrs younger than me, dad always decided what i had to do or not,i didn't realise that i was depressed until i was at the gae of 17 when i decided to talk about my problems to a nun who was doing counselling at my school,when i talked to her i felt relieved and realised that i was a depressed child and i had never cured myself,instead it had been deteriorating ,i had developed a low self - esteem of myself since i was a child ,i let people bullying me and tell me anything,i was so depressed that i never saw me as a pretty girl,i never had a bf ,i was jeolous of my friends who had but couldn't tell them,i didn't know how to dress myself and still dress myself badly and tell myself that i'm ugly and like a devil,i had faith in god for 2 yrs and did all my prayer but afterwards i don't know what happenend and i stopped praying and start doing all kinds of bad actions,i needed people to give me attention ,this is y i always tell people exagerated stories abt me if ever dad has beaten me so that i can get the pity of others ,to get their attention too,i stole monet from my parents rooma nd grand-ma too and bought jewellery,girls in my class liked my jewels and i was glad to get the attention ,i don't like to be the centre of sttention ,i know what i'm saying is strange but i don't like being popular,i have no hobby at all,i don't know anything except dreaming about actors whom i see in films and make them my boyfriends in my dreams ,its always the same and i still do these dreams, since at home we r not so close i never did tell my parents how much i was suffering,i even attempted suicide several times but nobody found out and they were not that serious ,so i escaped.

as i told u at the age of 17 i started to talk to a nun and she helped me to a great extent and i was determine to change my life ,i read several books on how to have confidence and high self-esteem but i didn't find anything ,actually i was looking for a magic solution but of course u cannot get it from books,i stopped reading those books 1 yr later,the nun left school and i didn't get any contact with her,there was another counsellor who came and i had to tell her again my whole story ,she helped me too by listening and i had stopped attempts of suicide but unfortunately she got sick and had to leave too,i remain in touch with her but cannot talk to her about my problems since she has problems too,finally i started to surf on the net and look for sites for depressed people ,i found many but i didn't get what i wanted really ,and theni found this blog and now i'm telling my story,now i am still low in self esteem and i want someone whom i can talk and guide me ,i cannot go toA a psychologist because my parenst will know and it will end up ina fight. so i really want to talk to someone ,this might help me too as i don't have too many friends too,

so e-mail me if u want to know something or share something with me,i will be glad to do so.

Rucksaar